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GETTING THROUGH LIFE WITH A SWEAR JAR IN ONE HAND AND A DICTIONARY IN THE OTHER
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What the ....

puck [puhk]: noun
1. also called Hobgoblin or Robin Goodfellow; a particularly mischievous sprite in English folklore who appears as a character in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.
2. ( lowercase ) a malicious or mischievous demon or spirit; a goblin. Derived from the Old English puca.
3. in ice hockey, a black disk of vulcanized rubber that is to be hit into the goal.
4. relating to British computer terms, what is known in the United States as a mouse. (Hey, I've learned something new!)

"Thou speak'st aright;
I am that merry wanderer of the night."

- Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

As most people who know me well will tell you, I believe in fairies. Like, actually believe in them. I'm not just talking about the flittery little things with wings and skimpy clothes (Do they shop at Forever 21 Mini, or mug Bratz dolls, or what? ANYWAY.). I'm talking about nature spirits of varying kinds of benevolence. I am aware that this is considered crazy by modern standards (at least among non-pantheists), which is why I would not answer those psychological wellness assessment questions honestly. Sheesh. I'd have to be really crazy to admit to something like that out loud. In a public forum. Like the internet. Hm...

Oh, look! Over there! A distraction!

Okay, now that the scary people with white coats have gone, let's get back to business. I swear this will relate to motherhood, just bear with me.

As every mother has discovered since the dawn of time, the urge to swear like a drunken sailor does not magically disappear with childbirth. If anything, the urge to let loose a string of invectives that would curdle milk, peel wallpaper, cause refined ladies to fall into a faint, and possibly knock the earth off its axis, comes more frequently. Unfortunately, as we all know, one must not teach one's children any interesting words that would cause eyebrow raising from friends, neighbors, teachers, and CPS (because we all know we're just a concerned citizen's phone call away from being officially labeled Worst Mother of All Time).  [For the record, CPS has NOT EVER been called about me, however, I've won the *Mother of the Year* award several times.  -Katya]

Fortunately, as I mentioned above, I believe in fairies. And they can be a rotten bunch of nasty tricky beasts when they want to (still talking about fairies, not kids). So when my life goes doughnut shaped and crazy, and the urge to vent will not be denied, I yell at the fairies. Or rather, one particular one. By name. He's a nasty little piece of work, and could well be responsible for whatever in.ter.est.ing. thing is going on. If not, I rest assured that whichever one of the nastier ones happens to be nearby making things worse for fun, it probably won't mind being confused with him.

You have probably noticed, of course, that the name also very closely resembles an actual swear word. Throwing it in wherever you don't want to be caught teaching your carefully-listening children the Queen Mother of All Swear Words works pretty well, and it feels just as satisfying, what with the emphatic use of consonants and everything. You might get some hairy eyeballs, because everyone else can hear those awesome consonants as well, but you'll get a pass upon repetition. Best part? If your children want to know more, or are caught using it, make sure they know where it comes from. Yes, that's right, you're not hurling expletives around in front of your child, you're teaching them cultured things, like Shakespeare. Look at you, you're so cultured and classy!


What about people who don't believe in fairies and think they're stupid? Well...I hope you're a hockey fan, that's all. As any worthwhile hockey fan will tell you, a flying puck (lol) can do a lot of damage and engender a lot of cursing. It's probably safe to say that many things that make a mother want to curse will strangely resemble a hockey puck in full-on Demolition Mode. Or if not, Mommy soon will. Either way, that makes the term appropriate for hockey moms too.  [I used to have a mean slap shot.  Then I became a little less than coordinated.  Hmm.  I should work on that before the dating years.  -K]  [Nina's just a scary good shot]

If you're a British mom who thinks fairies and hockey are both stupid and that Shakespeare is stupid as well, I'm afraid you'll have to learn to really revile your computer accessories in order to get the proper tone. Also - what the heck is wrong with you?

Go forth, ladies, and pseudo-curse. You're welcome. Puck will be visiting your home shortly, I'm sure.

Cheers,
 Nina

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My Inspiration

In-spi-ra-tion

in-spuh-rey-shuhn

- an animating action or influence

"My children are my inspiration."


My children really are my inspiration, as well as my best friend Nina.  I'll get the short people who live in my house in a minute.  I REALLY want to dwell on how awesome Nina is first!  She is amazing and talented and cool and super smart and she's going to hate this run on sentence with incorrect grammer and spelling.  I like messing with her. [And I'm leaving it uncorrected so everyone can see what I put up with. -Nina] She wouldn't speak to me when we first met.  I like to remind her of that. [I thought you were way too focused on clothes and being better than everyone else. Which probably means in real-world language that I was jealous of your shoes. Nice shoes, by the way. -Nina] [Thanks a lot.  I still pretty much wear jeans and t shirts! YOU were the one who introduced me to fancy makeup and fashion magazines.  And you had the awesome hair.- Katya] Then I yelled at her one day, and oddly became best friends, pretty much starting that day. [Not sure why I yelled, I think she cut me off on the sidewalk or something really horrible.-K]  We've been through a lot of boys stuff together.  And lots of music.  I think we've only had one big fight, and it was 100 years ago in college, and for the life of me, I've no idea what it was about. [Me neither. Huh. -Nina] I like to think that we have superhuman communication skills with each other, but really I know it's just because we are about the same amount of crazy.

On to the short people. They are wonderful, most of the time.  I have Grace who is now 8 going on 18.  I'm giving her the name Grace here in the blog because I find myself yelling, "For the LOVE of Grace!" Only half of the time is it something she did, but she is the oldest so she gets blamed. And then I apologize profusely.  She is a great girl. And she puts up with me as a mother, so I think that makes her the most amazing Grace ever.  Grace is also a diva.  She has a ton of clothes (my fault) and 'borrows' from her little sister who is taller. The battles have begun...

The little sister, who is taller, is 6 3/4.  I have to make the distinction lest anyone thinks she is only 6 1/2. Bank, is her name here because I'm convinced she will grow up to be a kung fu fighting banker. [I agree. -Nina] Sometime when she was 2 or 3 she managed to hide over the course of a few months $100's in the house.  Maybe she had an ulterior motive of trying to get me to clean up and organize, but I've never found it.  Also, she is the one who started our 'swear' jar.  She is brilliant, sweet, quiet and sensitive.  But, don't EVER sneak up on her, she will throw you down in an arm bar and stab you in soft tissue with a pencil. Really.  She can't throw me down yet, but she's not even 4 feet tall. Give her time.

The last of my girls is Crow.  She has the name because she is loud.  I honestly need hearing aids (too many concerts) but the audiologist said not to bother until I can teach her volume control. She is 4 1/2 and has NO volume control.  It makes it interesting while trying to do any shopping with her.  I love the one where she commented on all the fatty, unhealthy foods in a very obese person's cart while I was trying to pay for groceries.  Super. Crow delights in torturing her older sisters.  And loves to grab my iphone and call people.  If you get a message with heavy breathing, it's probably her.[Only "probably"? -Nina] [Well, its not me!-K]

My amazing husband, Q (I would call him X, but my fingers don't like to type that letter), gave me these wonderful girls.  It has recently dawned on him that they will all PMS at the same time as me (in years to come, but still).  He is scared.  He wants to build an underground doghouse with cable TV out back, I'm guessing he means something really cool like a batcave.  I don't blame him.  It's not going to happen though. I think our homeowners association would have a problem with it.  I'm sure he'll figure out to plan his work trips, he's smart like that.

Me: Well, I'm Katya.  I drink lots of tea and diet coke so I'm over jittery for most of the day.  I love that people can home school (Nina) but I would go crazy(ier). I sing in the car, loudly and badly, sometimes it's the kids music I have on CD which is awkward because all of the minivan windows are tinted.  No, I really don't enjoy singing The Wheels on the Bus.  I like people watching; sometimes it makes me laugh out loud, again awkward. I am wildly inappropriate at times and make my kids shake their heads.  I love textiles of all sorts and really want to go shop at a market in Istanbul for a carpet. Really, one of my life's dreams right there.  I also have a keen sense of smell. It has led me to trouble, think pastries, and led the gas men to hazardous leaks, seriously. I like shoes. That was an understatement.  I love them.  And I have lots. My favorite right now are flip flops, mostly because I'm too lazy to pull socks out (and I just don't wear socks in the summer).  I also can't spell for beans.  So if a word looks a little off, it's because I misspelled it and Nina wasn't home when I called to ask her how to spell it. Or she was ignoring the phone because I'd already called her 12 times. [No worries, babe, I'm allowed to edit for you post-publish! Like now. I fixed Istanbul. You're welcome. -Nina] [It's okay, now I know how to edit, and I can edit your stuff too!- Katya]

My family is great.  I vent about them a lot to Nina, because we all don't get along some days, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.  They are my inspiration.