Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Cacophony: Need I Say More?


[kuh-kof-uh-nee] - Noun

1. harsh discordance of sound

2. a discordant and meaningless mixture of sounds

3. Music:  frequent use of discords of a harness and relationship difficult to understand

I have come to the conclusion that the audio of my life is similar to a pack of screaming cats.  I believe that I was delusional to have 3 children within a very short period of time.  The oldest was still 3 when the last was spawned.  And now I have 3 very verbal and dramatic short people, none of whom nap anymore.  Or go to sleep on time.

When I deign to take a phone call, they stalk me.  They will follow me around airing every grievance they can come up with while.I'm.on.the.phone.  And if ignored, they get louder and louder.  And then they will start touching me.  Maybe it's just a poke of a finger or a gentle tapping, but for the love of Grace! Have they not ever heard from me, "DO NOT TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE!" [Maybe they think you actually mean Superman. I just threaten mine with unnamed violence. The uncertainty seems to make it more effective. -N] I do not need to know about whatever it is unless someone is bleeding from their eyeballs or vomiting.  I have told all of them this many, many times, but for some reason, they do not believe in that rule.  And if I hang up to give them a time out, they have actually succeeded in their plan to thwart outside adult contact. *sigh*

I am the one who feeds, shelters and clothes them.  I help with homework.  I drive them places that they want to go. I host playdates and parties for them.  I do all of those things with love and don't complain about it (laundry is a whole different story though).  There are days when I really think that they have indentured me to them. [Of course. You're an au pair, remember? -N] Short people of this world (those under 10 at least) are the most powerful group of people on this planet.  And then after poking me and getting loud, they are genuinely surprised if they get yelled at! Really?

Grace gets upset if there isn't complete silence when practicing her violin (which she just started and is really schreechy still), but it is perfectly acceptable for her to ask how math problem #8 should be done while I'm trying to schedule an appointment.  For her.  Well, my love, #8 is completed the same way #1-7 were.  And, nice try, I'm not actually doing your homework for you.  I already finished 3rd grade, theoretically, I should not need the practice in math.  I'm all grown up and get to use a computer for that sot of thing. [Mine try to get me to answer their exam questions for them. Home schooling is AWESOME. -N] [I know you think homeschooling is awesome.  I don't.  I think YOU are awesome for doing it!  I love putting them on the bus in the morning.  So, some moms cry the first day of school.  I wanted a mimosa (and was sadly out of all the makings, poor planning).][...Remind me to define "sarcasm" next. -N]

Bank has the lovely habit of calling someone else and talking to them while I'm on the phone.  It shouldn't be a problem, but she is loud too, and stands right next to me to talk to her aunt/friend/dad.  And then I lose whatever short train of thought I had going for me.  I had to hang up with Nina last night because I couldn't figure out what we were talking about anymore.

And behind all of that fun noise was Crow and Q singing off key.  And not knowing the words.  And not stopping. Even with many glares from me. I used to like that song too.  So itunes was put on and turned up.  That really helps my concentration... [This is true. I could totally hear them. It was awesome. Because on my side? Everyone was being quiet in case I heard them and realized they were available to clean. -N] [Awesome, smawsome! Only great for you Nina.  I couldn't actually have a conversation! And then, Q, instead of talking, started staring at me.  Because that's not distracting.  At all.  What?  Was he on fire or something?  Oooo, they actually clean?  I'm only asking because I have them for the weekend! More child labor! Yay! -K][Nice try - they don't really clean. I tell them to clean things so they'll go hide and be quiet. -N]

Not making this up. Possibly buying it, though.
Crow is yelling at me right now, mostly because she's tired from school, but also because there is a bee outside.  OUTSIDE! Good grief! It's not inside, it's not bothering her, she's never been stung... So she is yelling "Mommmmmmmyyyyyyy!" Over and over.  I feel bad that my next door neighbor can hear her, she called to see if I needed a break from her.  Have I mentioned that I really do have awesome neighbors?  I wouldn't wish Crow on anyone right now though. Maybe she'll cry herself into a nap. Probably not.

[Note:  I'm really slow, so Nina has to put the pictures in for me.  However, on that note, the wine is actually really good!  My dad bought some for me last Halloween and I didn't share.  And, I won't share again.  They also make a lovely white.  I suggest Mommies bring some to whoever hosts a playdate; that mom deserves it!-Katya]

So, I've changed my name.  And I'm not telling what it is.  Maybe I'll get some quiet tonight. Failing that, I'll get some wine.

Cheers (literally),



  1. HAHA! That's totally how it works! Kids see you on the phone and suddenly you turn into the most prized commodity on earth. My sister sees this sort of thing all the time. It been probably a month since I've talked to her because every time I do one of her three kids (who are all under 5) hits one of the others, chases the cat around the house, picks up the other receiver wondering who mom's talking to.... . It's impossible! I have two boys, and that's a handful, I cannot comprehend how people ever have adult relationships with multiple toddlers in the house! :-)

  2. Keith,

    Adult relationships got us all into this in the first place! On a more serious note, email. Email, texts, and Facebook is how I maintain friendships right now. And the occasional lunch/tea date sans kids.

    And I personally just had to get off of a call because my family room turned into a version of wrestling smackdown. One black eye and one injured elbow. And one girl who has some blood from somewhere but seems to be okay...

    This comment is as adult as my day will get. On the other hand, they had a great day with great food, I consider that a successful day.

    Cheers, Katya